The Good, the bad and the ugly: Trying to decide if I want to stay in academia

At the end of this month I will officially start the one year countdown to handing in my PhD. It may sound cliché but when I started three years ago September 2021 seemed very far away. That was until last week when someone called me a “final year PhD” and I physically recoiled, my gut clenched and ever since I have had a knot in my stomach that I can’t get rid of. Following this gut-busting moment, I had a meeting with my supervisor where I came to the realisation that I only have one year left to collect all the data I want for my thesis. Then, being an individual prone to anxiety, I started thinking about (and stressing about) what I am going to do after I have finished my PhD.
I initially wanted to do a PhD because I loved the idea of going into academia; working as a researcher at a University to push science forward. Now, after three years, that seems like a risky and potentially foolish path to choose.
If you search for “should I stay in academia” there are dozens of blogs, videos and tweets discussing this topic. All of this content is evidence that lots of people sit down and weigh up this decision and figure out if academia is for them. Everyone makes decisions differently, some use pro/con lists while others create videos about it. My medium of choice is almost always writing; it’s why I’m a fan of journaling. So this post meant to be about what it’s like to work in academia, instead it’s just my way of sorting through the benefits or drawbacks and trying to decide if academia is for me.

The appeal of academia
Growing up I wasn’t particularly academic: my Maths skills were mediocre, my English skills were passable and my Science was decent enough. This level of achievement was enough to get me into university and do an undergraduate degree in pharmacology. A subject I picked because (no joke) I thought “studying drugs sounds like it might be fun.” I then went on and did a Masters in Bioscience then worked for a year in a university lab as a research assistant. During that year in the lab I loved the work, the environment and the people. I could decide the hours I worked, the other researchers were some of the best people I have ever worked with, and I found the work truly fulfilling. Based on this I decided to do a PhD, to try and pursue a career in academia.
During my PhD I have loved the same things I enjoyed about my previous time in academia. I am a morning person so I enjoy the flexibility to start work when I want, plus I have a dog so I don’t feel bad going home in the middle of the day to let her out. The level of independence and freedom I am given is incredible; within reason I can dictate my own schedule and choose which parts of my project I can focus on. I am also lucky enough to have a supervisor who lets me take the lead and determine where my project goes based on what I find interesting.
This is all underpinned by one of the greatest points about academia – working at the brink of human knowledge to try and push it forward. My PhD is focused on new therapeutic and diagnostic technologies, so I have the chance to work on projects that could one day literally save lives.
All of these factors are what drew me to academia in the first place, and alone they make it sound ideal. But…

There’s always a cost
At first glance with all of this flexibility and independence why would you not want to work in academia? The problem is many of the benefits are a double edged sword. This point has been made better elsewhere but having the flexibility to work when you want actually limits your freedom, instead you end up working longer because you feel like you should. You spend weekends writing, free time analysing results and you stay in the lab late into the evening. I was once told by an academic that when you are in work you should be in the lab, and all reading and writing should be done in your own personal time. With this attitude, which is quite common in academia, it’s no wonder there is a culture of terrible work-life balance.
Alongside this pressure there is a perpetual need to fight for your job. Lots of the funding you get is short-term, which means early in your career you will hop from contract to contract with little guarantee of job security. This also means moving from location to location, which might be a benefit for some people but a problem for those with a partner or people who want to set up roots for a stable home life.
All of this is made worse by one big problem – the competitiveness. There is only so much funding to go around and there are people who are willing to risk burnout and move across the global for the sake of a few extra publications on their CV. Once again I was told by a senior academic that “there is always someone working harder and doing more than you.” In the face of this attitude it’s hard not to feel demotivated. To succeed in this environment you need a lot of drive and have the willingness to make sacrifices.

Questioning my own sanity
Recently, working as a scientist has only been made harder by the COVID-19 situation. The news is full of people disregarding scientific evidence, choosing to ignore expert advice and making claims that the minor inconvenience of wearing mask is a bigger threat than a literal pandemic. When you see these reports it’s hard to see why we should even bother with science; people don’t appreciate it or they will actively fight against it. This makes it easy to feel like what you do is of little to no value.
When an experiment goes wrong you don’t think of the big picture, about how you are helping humanity progress as a species or how you are pushing the boundaries of scientific knowledge forward. Instead you just think “well shit, there’s another day wasted.” Science can help us make huge strides but it happens slowly over time, and it’s easy to forget the big picture, especially when you have a supervisor saying they expect 2 months of work done in the next 2 weeks.
With all of this in mind it makes you wonder: why would anyone want to work in academia? I ask myself that question each day. Some days the upsides are obvious and I wouldn’t want to work anywhere else, but other days I come home and question my own sanity.

Conclusion
At some point every early career researcher or PhD is asked if they want to stay in academia, go to industry or choose another option entirely. Some people know straight away that academia is not the place from them, while others know that it’s exactly what they want to do with their life. The rest of us might sit somewhere in between these two extremes. That is where I sit now. We have to weigh up our passion and independence against instability and never-ending competition.
Thankfully, few choices in life are ever truly permanent. I will always have a chance to move back into academia if I do move away, but once I go and experience a different working environment the truth is - I might not want to return.
I was hoping that writing about this choice would make it easier; if anything it has just made it harder. I don’t think it will ever be an easy choice to make. But if you have any advice for me or anyone else who has to eventually make this decision, let me know in the comments below or on twitter.